There is no beyond, there is only here,
the infinitely small, infinitely great
and utterly demanding present.
-Iris Murdoch

I really wish someone would have told me how hard this would be. I really wish someone would have told me how tired I would be.

It's Friday and I didn't even see the week go by. I drag my sorry ass through morning, noon, afternoon, evening, night, early morning and then all over again. There no longer is any demarcation of time. It's all one big utterly demanding PRESENT.

There's never enough time to sleep, shower, read, shape eyebrows, apply lip gloss, remove unwanted hair (which thankfully has finally stopped growing), trim fingernails, dress in matching clothes that aren't full of milky drool stains and dog hair.... I'm still wearing maternity clothes because I haven't had time to put them away and take my non-maternity clothes out from storage. I'm not even sure where they might be.

I can't take a break. I can't decide I don't feel like it today. I can't play hooky.

Because I might miss something.

Children are little for only a little while. I think the fatigue is designed to make it feel like forever, designed to slow us down, so we live, albeit exhausted, in the present and we don't miss anything. Except for what is going on in the outside world. Eh, we all could use a break from that crap.

There really is nowhere else I'd rather be right now than home taking care of my babies. For the first time in a long time I have a job I truly love, and therefore it doesn't feel like work.

I really wish someone would have told me how fulfilling this would be.


I really wish I could take a long hot shower and go to sleep... just for an hour