I cringed and felt my stomach do flip flops. Laura and I were fuller figured women, sexy, voluptuous and as I like to describe myself Rubenesque.
Although growing up Italian being “heavier” was not a good thing. Actually for women growing up heavy, or God forbid if you were not good looking it was like a reflection on the parents and the entire family. Their sons could be assholes, not that good looking, not too bright, but that was ok. But for most Italian fathers and mothers they wanted their daughters to look perfect. Which meant, slim, pretty, dainty if you could pull that look off and of course you didn’t wear much makeup, revealing clothing nor did you smoke, as those things were only done by “loose women”.
Unfortunately, neither I nor Laura looked like that. Oh we had pretty faces, (thank God!!!) yet we smoked, wore makeup and our vocabulary at times was worse than a truck drivers.
“She actually said that?”
“Yes, and I had to bite my bottom lip in order not to cry”
“What did Frank say?”
“Not very much, he pushed me towards her so I could give her a kiss; I just wanted to spit on her!”
I smiled at the thought, and Laura then proceeded to tell me about her evening.
Frank’s mother was a typical Italian woman. She had come over in the 50’s, came from hard working parents and then worked in a factory all her life. Her home was her castle, although they lived in the basement, her 1st floor was filled with Louis the 14th furniture, plastic on the sofas and of course the curtains were the heavy, dark red with gold trim “mandovani” style.
After the demeaning comment was said, she got the grand tour of the house and “oohed and aaawhed” as she was taught to do. They ended up in the basement, she met Frank’s father, a bent older man who didn’t say much and went into the “cantina” too many times during the evening (this is a “cold room” where all Italians keep their wine and precious homemade goods)
Frank’s mother asked her question after question about her family, where did they come from how long had they been in Canada, what did her father do, her mom, how many siblings and although these questions were normal, after every response, she sighed, rolled her eyes as if she was putting down the answers.
I took down the 'how I clean my toilet' post because it was destined for another forum and not the Pocus. Forgive me. I finally started antibiotics today for a sinus infection and bronchitis.
It was a glorious Sunday afternoon in July, the kind you love as there was no humidity and a breeze that kissed your face and put a perpetual smile on it. I was driving to my girlfriend’s home for her 40th birthday party and although in good spirits I couldn’t help but feel dread at the thought of seeing her mother in law.
Memories and the stories of her going out with Frank, her engagement, wedding and her life afterwards filled me with disgust as I couldn’t imagine living her life! And that day I was happy and proud to say “I’m single and loving it” many times over!
But, she put up with it as Frank was “the love of her life” and yet he never stood up for her.
He was a good provider (as all Italians want that for their daughters), a decent father, not too exciting as a person, and he was the worst “mamma’s boy” I ever met!
I had not seen this evil woman in years as every time Laura invited me over and her in laws were there, I didn’t show up. I was honest with my friend and told her that I couldn’t be around that type of energy, it made me nauseous when she put her down and I couldn’t say anything and had learned many years ago to pick and choose where I wished to be, and with whom I would associate with. So it was at least 10 years since I had not been in the mother in laws dark presence. But it was Laura’s 40th a momentous celebration and so I decided that I’d ignore the old bag and just go!
Red and white balloons decorated her home, some kids were playing on the lawn and I froze as I saw her mother in law on the porch as I was filled with memories of the first time Laura ever met her.
Picture it: mid 80’s, big hair, a lot of makeup, everybody smoked and wore clothes that most times just accentuated every part of your body. Frank and Laura had been going out for a year and she and I were meeting for coffee to discuss how “going to meet the parents” went.
Laura walked in, smoking a cigarette wearing dark glasses and didn’t have the usual kick in her step. She sat in the booth; I ordered 2 coffees and lit a cigarette.
“Laura, what’s with the damned shades?” I asked
She hesitated and off they came. Her eyes red and puffy and for a moment I thought she’d been hit but quickly realized that she had been crying.
“She hates me!!!!!” Laura sobbed
“Who hates you and why?” was what I wanted to know.
“Frank’s mother! I met her last night and the first thing she said to me was how she thought I’d be slimmer.”
You're a Post-Punk. You know 70s punk was cool, but it was mostly just a stepping stone for the greater intellectualism of what would come after. The 80s were amazing. You quite possibly have huge hair, and may wear lots of black. Snare drums need reverb. Lots and lots of reverb.
The unwritten rules of being Italian, part III
By Luna (aka Terri Giosia)
Maria put the coffee on for Carlo as Angelina walked into the kitchen. She was a vision in jeans and a loose sweater than buttoned all the way to her throat, but her figure could not be hidden and he thought again to their wedding night.
In that same instance he got a whiff of his lovers perfume and he pictured her in the motel, lying on the bed, smoking and sipping a glass of wine and he thought how much he enjoyed talking to her, her laughter, how she understood that he didn’t like talking right away, as she rubbed his shoulders and he unwound.
Would Angelina do this? She had no clue about his little habits nor did she seem very interested in his business….ah she’ll learn, he thought.
And with that thought, most marriages begin and end.
For only when Carlo and Angelina are married, living and learning about each other will he realize that she doesn’t care about his business nor does he care about her love of music and her desire to learn to play the piano. He’ll put it down like he does everything she wishes to do. And this will build into resentment on her part and she will pull further and further away and never care about his business nor will she care when he starts coming home later as she will have started her own extra curricular activities with her piano teacher.
And this will go on, and on….. After the children come her desire for sex with him will diminish and become a “duty” maybe once a month or on holidays and he won’t care as many lovers will come and go in his life.
Angelina will be a devoted mother, a great cook and maid basically to her husband and just before turning 40, will have the desire to learn another instrument or perhaps learn to play tennis….and her desires will be again fulfilled by her teacher.
How many people live this way? Too many, for they don’t get divorced nor do they even confront each other, as it’s become too easy to fall into some pattern and for a lot of people they prefer not to change the pattern, habits become a part of their life, and God forbid a divorce would make people talk.
And so they go on, living, loving others, lying, cheating, stealing moments, and lying next to a stranger “until death do us part”.
I was on the phone with Luna last night while my chicken, my succulent chicken with crrrrisspy skin, was roasting to perfection. Mmmmmmmmmmmm.... (I didn't do the traditional Italian fish on New Year's Eve because I was tired from work and I had a fresh organic chicken in the fridge I couldn't resist. I seriously digress -but the chicken was THAT good.)
One thing we both agreed on was that 2008 is gonna be big. BIG!
In numerology 2008 adds up to a 10=1. Luna tells me that means we are now at the beginning of a new cycle. Where for many of us, including both me and Luna, 2007 was a year of endings. I lost a job that I valued extremely highly.... The shock to the system of being let go (bastards), was the catalyst I needed to get me taking stock of my professional life and do a little introspecting, reorganizing, re-focussing, re-vamping, re-youknowwhatImean.
If you haven't joined my Yahoo! Group, Rue's Kitchen Table yet, please do. Don't worry. Whatever happens at RKTstays at RKT, will be all over the net within minutes.
BTW... I'm going on my 10th year as an online presence promoting and preserving Italian folk ways and magic , Rue's Kitchen turns 8 in July, and Abraca-Pocus! will be celebrating 5 years of Rue-minating in February. Can you believe that?
Thank you for your ongoing love and support. Thank you for the wonderful emails. Most of all, best wishes of joy, health, prosperity and love to you and all you hold dear!
For those of you who have forgotten... and those of you who don't know. Christmas begins on the eve of December 24th and goes on up until February 2nd. That's right. Christmas doesn't end at midnight on December 25th.
What ever happened to those poor women that broke their hymen long before getting married, well let’s just say many were beaten, ended up ostracised and were looked down upon. Does this still occur today? In very remote villages in Italy, it’s still a custom….
A man should be the experienced lover, while women are told very little and if they’re lucky they had an older sister or cousin that did speak of the 1st night and sex and what a woman’s duty is. For a woman, it’s her duty, yet for a man he gets to enjoy it and must “Sow his oats” before marriage.
Every young Italian man is told this, so this way it takes away the desire later on to be with other women. Does it? Come on, most men cheat in general at least once, but Italians actually have most cultures beat when they’re actually told its ok to cheat, as “men are made this way”
Carlo was making his way to see his fiancée Angelina after leaving his lover at the motel and realized that he smelled like some cheap advertisement for women’s perfume. His lovers smell was all over him.
She wouldn’t say a thing, he thought as they were getting married in 2 weeks and she would never jeopardize it at this stage of the game.
He got to her house and his future father in law was tending to the fig tree and his son was mowing the lawn.
“Carlo, come stai?” Shouted Angelina’s father. “Good, great!” Carlo said as he walked over to shake the man’s hand and patted the son’s back.
“Angelina’s ready?”
“Yah, for sure….go inside and Maria will make you a cappuccino”
Carlo walked in and Angelina’s mother saw him and her face lit up. It’s as if the second coming was walking in!
Most families feel as if when their daughter’s getting married the man will now “take her off” their hands and “take care of her”.
If he cheats on her, it’s her fault, if things go wrong, it’s her fault, if she has a girl as a 1st child it’s her fault…basically the man is truly King of the Castle, Master of his domain and Ruler.
How I loved being able to tell people later on that it’s the male’s X AND Y chromosomes that determine the sex of a child!
It shocked them actually, but hey reality usually does shock Italians!
I am Rue of Rue's Kitchen. My praxis is both mundane and arcane, often seamlessly blending the sacred and the profane. I am a seer and a healer. More importantly, I am wise enough to know not take myself too seriously. Thank you for visiting.
"I've never tried to block out the memories of the past, even though some are painful. I don't understand people who hide from their past. Everything you live through helps to make you the person you are now."
Being from an Italian dad and a french Canadian mother, I've seen alot at weddings. I'll agree I've seen some degrading things. I remember at my cousins wedding (french side), the men danced with the bride and pinned money to her dress but also the women danced with the groom and pinned money to his tux. Luckily my dad didn't want that at my wedding.
I have to admit the whole garter dealie doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me either. Neither does the table centrepiece giveaway... How many table-sized colour-coded custom vases can you possibly use?
Hi Rue, Happy New Year!!! Where have I been, your site looks great. It's been since October but I'm glad to have something good to read daily again. All the best in the new year for you and your loved ones. (:
“A philosopher once wrote you need three things to have a good life. One, a meaningful relationship, two, a decent job of work, and three, to make a difference. And it was always that third one that stressed me, to make a difference. And I realise that I do. Every day, we all do. It’s how we interact, with our fellow man.”
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